![]() Tell me what you know and why it’s important to you.” How do we not go into “winner/loser” mode and instead see an opportunity for connection when someone says to us, “I don’t know anything about that issue”? 7. How do we stay out of judgment toward ourselves when the right thing to do is say, “I actually don’t know much about this. How do we stay in our integrity when confronted with BS, and how do we stop in the midst of our own emotional moment to say, “You know what, I’m not sure this conversation is productive” or “I need to learn more about this issue”? 6. BS ignores truth and opens the door to violations of confidentiality. How do we hold ourself and others accountable for less BS and more honest debate? Less off-loading of emotion and more civility? 4. ![]() It’s hard to trust or be trusted when we BS too often. Bullshitting is the abandonment of reliability. ![]() What’s okay in a discussion and what’s not? How do you set a boundary when you realize you’re knee-deep in BS? 2. If we go back to BRAVING and our trust checklist, these situations require a keen eye on: 1. “Speaking truth to bullshit and practicing civility start with knowing ourselves and knowing the behaviors and issues that both push into our own BS or get in the way of being civil. It’s an important human experience.”īraving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone What I’ve found is that, yes, we all have the right and need to feel and own our anger. One response to this is “Get angry and stay angry!” I haven’t seen that advice borne out in the research. There are a lot of coded shame messages in the rhetoric of “Why so hostile?” “Don’t get hysterical,” “I’m sensing so much anger!” and “Don’t take it so personally.” All of these responses are normally code for Your emotion or opinion is making me uncomfortable or Suck it up and stay quiet. When we deny ourselves the right to be angry, we deny our pain. Sometimes owning our pain and bearing witness to struggle means getting angry. When we own our emotion, we can rebuild and find our way through the pain. But what we know now is that when we deny our emotion, it owns us. Our families and culture believed that the vulnerability that it takes to acknowledge pain was weakness, so we were taught anger, rage, and denial instead. Most of us were not taught how to recognize pain, name it, and be with it. Addressing it with love and compassion would take only a minuscule percentage of the energy it takes to fight it, but approaching pain head-on is terrifying. Pain will subside only when we acknowledge it and care for it. Despite our attempts to drown it in addiction, to physically beat it out of one another, to suffocate it with success and material trappings, or to strangle it with our hate, pain will find a way to make itself known. How much longer are we willing to keep pulling drowning people out of the river one by one, rather than walking to the headwaters of the river to find the source of the pain? What will it take for us to let go of that earned self-righteousness and travel together to the cradle of the pain that is throwing all of us in at such a rate that we couldn’t possibly save everyone? Pain is unrelenting. “Not caring about our own pain and the pain of others is not working.
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